Archive for March 1st, 2011
Go Easy on Yourself
Do you treat yourself as well as you treat your friends and family?
That simple question is the basis for a burgeoning new area of psychological research called self-compassion — how kindly people view themselves. People who find it easy to be supportive and understanding to others, it turns out, often score surprisingly low on self-compassion tests, berating themselves for perceived failures like being overweight or not exercising.
The research suggests that giving ourselves a break and accepting our imperfections may be the first step toward better health. People who score high on tests of self-compassion have less depression and anxiety, and tend to be happier and more optimistic. Preliminary data suggest that self-compassion can even influence how much we eat and may help some people lose weight.
This idea does seem at odds with the advice dispensed by many doctors and self-help books, which suggest that willpower and self-discipline are the keys to better health. But Kristin Neff, a pioneer in the field, says self-compassion is not to be confused with self-indulgence or lower standards.
“I found in my research that the biggest reason people aren’t more self-compassionate is that they are afraid they’ll become self-indulgent,” said Dr. Neff, an associate professor of human development at the University of Texas at Austin. “They believe self-criticism is what keeps them in line. Most people have gotten it wrong because our culture says being hard on yourself is the way to be.”
Imagine your reaction to a child struggling in school or eating too much junk food. Many parents would offer support, like tutoring or making an effort to find healthful foods the child will enjoy. But when adults find themselves in a similar situation — struggling at work, or overeating and gaining weight — many fall into a cycle of self-criticism and negativity. That leaves them feeling even less motivated to change.
“Self-compassion is really conducive to motivation,” Dr. Neff said. “The reason you don’t let your children eat five big tubs of ice cream is because you care about them. With self-compassion, if you care about yourself, you do what’s healthy for you rather than what’s harmful to you.”
Dr. Neff, whose book, “Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind,” is being published next month by William Morrow, has developed a self-compassion scale: 26 statements meant to determine how often people are kind to themselves, and whether they recognize that ups and downs are simply part of life.
A positive response to the statement “I’m disapproving and judgmental about my own flaws and inadequacies,” for example, suggests lack of self-compassion. “When I feel inadequate in some way, I try to remind myself that feelings of inadequacy are shared by most people” suggests the opposite.
For those low on the scale, Dr. Neff suggests a set of exercises — like writing yourself a letter of support, just as you might to a friend you are concerned about. Listing your best and worst traits, reminding yourself that nobody is perfect and thinking of steps you might take to help you feel better about yourself are also recommended.
Other exercises include meditation and “compassion breaks,” which involve repeating mantras like “I’m going to be kind to myself in this moment.”
If this all sounds a bit too warm and fuzzy, like the Al Franken character Stuart Smalley (“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me”), there is science to back it up. A 2007 study by researchers at Wake Forest University suggested that even a minor self-compassion intervention could influence eating habits. As part of the study, 84 female college students were asked to take part in what they thought was a food-tasting experiment. At the beginning of the study, the women were asked to eat doughnuts.
One group, however, was given a lesson in self-compassion with the food. “I hope you won’t be hard on yourself,” the instructor said. “Everyone in the study eats this stuff, so I don’t think there’s any reason to feel real bad about it.”
Later the women were asked to taste-test candies from large bowls. The researchers found that women who were regular dieters or had guilt feelings about forbidden foods ate less after hearing the instructor’s reassurance. Those not given that message ate more.
The hypothesis is that the women who felt bad about the doughnuts ended up engaging in “emotional” eating. The women who gave themselves permission to enjoy the sweets didn’t overeat.
“Self-compassion is the missing ingredient in every diet and weight-loss plan,” said Jean Fain, a psychotherapist and teaching associate at Harvard Medical School who wrote the new book “The Self-Compassion Diet” (Sounds True publishing). “Most plans revolve around self-discipline, deprivation and neglect.”
Dr. Neff says that the field is still new and that she is just starting a controlled study to determine whether teaching self-compassion actually leads to lower stress, depression and anxiety and more happiness and life satisfaction.
“The problem is that it’s hard to unlearn habits of a lifetime,” she said. “People have to actively and consciously develop the habit of self-compassion.”
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/02/28/go-easy-on-yourself-a-new-wave-of-research-urges/
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Behaving More Assertively
Most people feel quite agitated, anxious, and unsettled when having a conflict or argument with someone they’re closely involved with. There’s a storm or battle brewing. It naturally seems easier to get the other person to give in than to reckon with our own internal strife. We think if we can get him/her to feel differently, to change their mind, to behave differently, then the conflict will be removed and harmony will be restored. But this approach usually leads to coercive tactics, pressure, guilt induction, and ill feeling down the road. Believe it or not, your best chance for helping your partner begins by changing yourself.
Assertion in relationships can be so complicated and challenging. We wonder, “Am I being reasonable, what do I really feel and want?” “Am I going along just to please or to avoid conflict?” Often speaking up can lead to more conflict, anger, doubt, and guilt, at least at first. The best way to define yourself without becoming more confrontational and abrasive is to be nonjudgmental towards your own needs and feelings. You feel what you feel and intuit or sense what you need. It is not necessarily morally good or bad, right or wrong. It’s just what you feel and experience presently. Expressing this is not passing judgment on anyone else. Remember to use non-debatable statements when you define yourself.
When you do define and assert yourself, in most cases you will encounter strident resistance. It is crucial that your assertions not depend on the other person’s approval or acquiescence. Otherwise the “battle without” will escalate. Sometimes we protest the other person’s reactions and feelings. Protest can often be a form of denial in which we say in so many words that, “I can’t believe that you are reacting this way!” Such protest limits our ability to grasp realistically the other person’s behavior and feelings and can lead us to feeling more victimized. Remember too that part of defining yourself is saying what you are not. That is, know what’s “not me”, what you are not responsible for, what you are not or do not need to be or do. You do not have to be perfect, always available, never angry or upset. You do not have to accept everything your partner (or you) might expect of you (a perfect body, always being strong, etc.)
Basic Strategies for Behaving More Assertively
-Identify your personal rights, wants, and needs.
-Identify how you FEEL about a particular situation, (e.g., “I feel angry”, “I feel embarrassed”, “I like you”.) In identifying your feelings about the situation, use sensory descriptions that help to capture how you feel, (e.g., “I feel stepped on”, “I feel like I’m on cloud nine”.) Report what kind of action the feeling urges you to do, (e.g., “I feel like hugging you”.)
-In describing your feelings, use “I” messages; own your message. Use these “I” statements to epees your feelings instead of evaluating or blaming others, (e.g., “I feel hurt” vs. “You hurt me” or “You are inconsiderate”.)
-Connect your feeling statement with some specific behavior in the other person, (e.g., “I felt hurt when you left without saying goodbye” vs. “I felt hurt because you were inconsiderate”.)
-Be direct — deliver your message to the person for whom it was intended. Express your request in one or two easy to understand sentences.
-Try not to make assumptions about what the other person is thinking or feeling, about what their motives are, or about how they may react. Check things out with them first.
-Avoid sarcasm, character assassination, or absolutes (e.g., using words like, “you never…”, “you always…”, “you constantly…”, etc.)
-Avoid statements beginning with “Why?”, “You…”. This may put the other person on the defensive.
-Ask for feedback: “Am I being clear?”, “How do you see this situation?”. Asking for feedback helps correct any misperceptions you may have, as well as helping others realize that you are open to communication, and are expressing an opinion, feeling, or desire, rather than a demand.
