Archive for April 14th, 2011
Why do I feel rushed all the time? There is so much to do and never enough time to do it. How can I get more time to do what needs to be done and still be able to relax? This problem is called time poverty. The difficulty is not just the lack of time, it is that we do not use the time we have effectively. We keep getting in our own way, and that slows us down. We aren’t even aware that we are doing it.
We waste a lot of our time doing things that do not need to be done. We’ve been doing them since the third grade. We thought they needed to be done, but we were misinformed. This misinformation has never been question, let alone corrected. For example:
We waste a lot of time trying to prevent waste. We learned long ago that waste is a “sin”, a sign of irresponsibility. We imagine that we will feel guilty when we waste time and guilt is painful. We try to prevent this pain by “preventing” waste, which we really do not know how to do. We could save this time by catching ourselves having this good intention for ourselves and choose to let it go. When we drop a pen under our desk, we can a) choose to spend five minutes on our hands and knees trying to prevent the waste of this resource or b) we can choose to let it go. We are not guilty of a crime, we are merely imperfect. We are making an adult judgment to put our priorities in a more appropriate, mature perspective.
We waste a lot of time trying to “prove ourselves”. Since we do not know what we are trying to prove or how to prove it, we will not know how to stop when we get there. We will overshoot the target and keep going. This is called “overcompensation” for a feeling of inferiority. These feelings are painful. They compel us to do more than the reality of the situation requires us to do. That is a waste of our time and effort. In the mean time we are not doing what needs to be done.
We spend time trying to get the attention of others, to make them notice us. We need their attention to validate our existence as a person in the world. Our self doubt is painful. We have never learned how to relieve this pain in the right way by validating ourselves. We could save a lot of time if we did. We have never learned how to do it for ourselves.
We engage in power struggles over (a) who is right and who is wrong (b) who can make whom do what (c) who is superior and who is not. The one who “wins” gains control. The other loses control. This loss of control is painful; we spend our lives trying to prevent the pain of losing control, without even knowing what control is or how to exercise it in a healthy way.
We waste time trying to relieve our anger by “getting even”. They, of course, will want to get revenge on us for our revenge on them. We are both wasting time and energy that will never come back
We waste time giving up in discouragement when we fail to solve a problem. We criticize our poor performance as if that would improve our batting average. It never does. That is not healthy feedback that is destructive behavior. It merely perpetuates our self doubt.
We waste time obsessing about unsolvable problems that we cannot let go until they are solved perfectly
We waste time predicting disaster in the future. “If I don’t finish this report tonight, my boss is going to yell at me.” We try to prevent this prediction. However, we are not fortune tellers, but be act as if we were. We are not taking a productive precaution based in the real world, we are acting destructively, to try and prevent the painful outcome we have predicted. As a result, we become so anxious, we cannot finish the report.
We waste time living in the past, the good old days, when problems were easier to solve then they are now. We shouldn’t have changed, but it’s too late now.
We want to succeed, but we waste our opportunities to get ahead because we are afraid we cannot handle success. We feel inadequate to cope with things that are new, so we sabotage any chance of improvement. Besides, we think we will only fail in the end, so we’d better quit while were ahead. The time and effort spent working toward our goal of improving our situation will ultimately just go to waste. So what is the point of trying if someone else is going to catch up and pass us anyways?
We waste time assuming responsibility for people who are perfectly capable of assuming responsibility for themselves. We are not doing it for them anyways. We are indulging ourselves because of our underlying need to be needed.
We waste a lot of time making and remaking choices because they might not be the “right” ones. Since we don’t know what “right enough” is, we decide not to make a decision.
We waste time waiting for the perfect time to act. But the perfect time never comes.
What is the variable that the well organized and at ease people have that others do not? That something is called self respect. Without self respect, we are filled with self doubts, which are painful. Our personal priority is not to become better organized r to save time or even to get things done. Our hidden agenda is to relieve the pain of our self doubt, our feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness to succeed.
I define self respect as feeling like a loveable, worthwhile, and equal member of the human race, despite your flaws and imperfections. People who respect themselves do not have to prove anything to anyone. There is nothing to prove. They are good enough as they are. They are free to take life as it comes because they trust their judgment to do the best that they can. Their judgment is good enough. They live in reality and know that if their first decision doesn’t turn out, they can make another one.
People with self respect know that their judgment isn’t perfect, but it is good enough to get the job done. It is good enough to establish priorities and make an effort to implement them. Self respecting people do not waste their time, their money, or their lives trying to please others, prevent waste or avoid potential disaster. They take realistic precautions, using their mature, adult judgment to tell them what is required of them in a given situation.
Self respecting people do not live in the past or the future, they live I the present. They are willing to take a risk and do what reality requires rather then act to prevent some future or past outcome from occurring. They accept that they do not know what will happen, but use their judgment to act based on the requirements of life as it is today. If the take care of the present, the future will take care of itself. They know that if they waste their time in the present trying to prevent outcomes from occurring, they will not be as prepared for the unexpected. The result might turn into the very disaster that they were trying so hard to prevent. They know that they will waste even more time trying to fix these disasters, which could have been avoid if they had focused on the reality of life in the present.
As is often the case, the issue here is not time, organization or efficiency. The issue is control. There are two ways of controlling, the right and the wrong way. Self respecting people use their judgment to bring order and organization into their lives. They are in control of themselves. They take life as it comes and do the best they can with it based on the information they have at the time. They do not try to control time; they manage it with cooperation and tolerance. People lacking self respect do not use their judgment “It’s not good enough.” They are forced to a) react and b) base their reactions on immature beliefs from the past.
I must prevent waste.
I must correct other thinking.
I must prevent disaster by controlling others to get my way.
I must prevent exposure of my own limitations.
I must work extra hard in order to justify my worth to others and gain approval.
Self respecting people have replaced these beliefs carried over from childhood with more effective beliefs based on life today.
I am not the prisoner of ‘musts’ or ‘shoulds’ from third grade. I have outgrown these all or nothing terms and have replaced them with more effective ones.
‘Should’ implies guilt and guilt is painful. These ‘musts’ or ‘shoulds’ are actually preferences. I can trust my judgment to tell me when to follow someone’s preference in a present situation.
If I find out later that my judgment was mistaken, I will make another decision at that time.
I am not required to do anything perfectly. I will do it as the reality of the situation requires it to be done.Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 2 so far )
Depression during pregnancy is more common then many people realize. The rapid rise in hormone levels during pregnancy is actually a very common trigger for depression. At least 20% of pregnant women experience some depressive symptoms during their pregnancies, while 10% of pregnant women develop full-blown clinical depression.
Depression is actually caused by a number of different factors. First and foremost, depression seems to be linked to a change in the levels of chemicals in the brain. These chemicals govern your moods, and when they become disrupted, this can lead to depression. During pregnancy, the rapid change in your body’s hormones can trigger a change in the levels of these chemicals, resulting in depression. Depression can also be triggered by various emotional, psychological, or personal factors, including stressful life events, financial troubles, or a death in the family.
The good news is that feeling better starts by seeking help. By working with a counselor, you may acquire new perspectives, tools, techniques, and coping skills to help deal with life’s challenges with renewed emotional strength. A licensed counselor can also answer any questions or concerns you may have about treatment.Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )