Archive for August 26th, 2011
Relationship style
Relationship style is the way you connect, respond, react, and relate with your significant other. You develop behaviors, habits, patterns, and ways of being, as you get to know, grow with, and develop as a couple. The relationship style can be predictable and sometimes it isn’t. It depends on how you are feeling in the relationship. The style is affected by how secure, calm, trusting, and confident you are with your partner. If you don’t feel connected and bonded, you might develop a style of relationship that tries to compensate for this lack of connection or insecurity. The behavior might consist of calling your parnter a lot throughout the day. You could have dramatic reactions to situations that come up because you are feeling anxious or alone. If you are feeling insecure or anxious you could get critical , you might need and then demand reassurance from your significant other, you might get agitated easily, or even get accusatory.
What if you feel that what ever you do isn’t good enough? If you do the dishes, or arrange for a date, or if you start a conversation, you still might get criticized, ignored, or not appreciated. A reaction to this is avoiding your partner. You may arrange to get busy a lot of the time so you don’t have to engage with your significant other. Another way to avoid feeling that what you do is not good enough, is to not reply to what is being said to you or to deflect, minimize, or even remain quiet and shut down. This can cause your partner to get frustrated, feel pushed away, or not cared for, and they may in turn give up and go away. The main goal here is to not get rejected or feel like a failure. The sad thing about this is when you avoid, your significant other feels like you don’t care, and then they continue to react. Then you are pretty stuck as a couple.
The third style is being in the moment. This is when you feel your feelings, understand them, and express them to your partner. If you are anxious you can say this in a way that is open and not judgmental. As an example if want to ask your partner to do something but you feel they might reject you, you might say, “I’m nervous about asking you this because you might turn me down, but I would like to go out tonight with you.” The alternative to this is to avoid and not even ask. Then you won’t get rejected. At the same time there is greater distance between you and your partner. Another example at identifying the feeling and then expressing it is when you might feel anxious or nervous about your partner doing an activity or going away, and you feel insecure about it, and need reassurance. Let’s say your partner is going on a business trip for a couple of days and you feel insecure about what could happen. You might even feel that you anticipate being lonely and that you will miss your partner while he/she is gone. You might want to say, “I’m a little scared about that upcoming trip. I don’t know why but I feel nervous about who might be there and what might tempt you. I also feel I might be lonely and will miss you. Do you think you could touch base with me while you’re gone so I know everything will be okay?” The alternative is not to say anything and then when your partner comes back, and these insecure feelings build up, then you can get reactive. The result could be these feelings coming out in anger and resentment like being suspicious and accusatory, getting agitated and maybe even having a sarcastic and blaming attitude towards your partner. The end result is an argument, tension, and conflict. Being in the moment, taking a risk, and telling your partner how you are feeling is how you can connect with each other. Your partner knows how you feel and can respond to you in a way that can help you feel even more secure in the relationship. That is the ultimate goal to feel safe, secure, and happy together.
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