Archive for December 1st, 2011
Explosive Anger
Question:
I have this disorder that I don’t know how to deal with. I wrote to others trying to find help. It’s about my tension and the way I express myself in moments of anger. I don’t know how to write about it so allow me to give you an example. “my husband didn’t do a little thing he promised. I start asking him why. He tries to escape from the answer or says that he doesn’t want to talk about it now. I insist that we talk NOW. He gets more upset, I get more crazy. (I just feel that things have to be arranged at the spot) More we argue, more crazy reactions come from both of us. He decides to leave to his friend since he cannot stand the fight, so I ask him not to leave. (when I write it I see how crazy it is). He closes himself more and more while it’s getting on my nerves so I fight back. Sometimes I feel that this fight is ridiculous from the beginning so I just want to shut up and go back to normal life. But he is already upset (which is understandable) . I try to ask him to forget about it and he tells me to leave him alone. I insist that he hugs me or shows me his concern in any other way. We get into another fight where even physical force is used (sometimes). Eventually he tells me that he cannot stand it and he wants a divorce. Every time it’s more and more difficult to make things up”. I am fully conscious, now when I’m writing that it’s madness but in the situation itself I don’t think, I just react and even more: I feel then that he is so unfair. Is it hysteria, or low self-respect – I hate the sound of both of them but I don’t know how to get out of it. Please help me get back on my feet, I don’t want to loose my marriage.
Answer:
My heart goes out to you. More than anything else that might be happening here you sound afraid to me. Almost like you are so much afraid of something (your husband leaving you? not feeling properly respected?) that you panic. The panic becomes anger and you end up attacking your husband and creating exactly the opposite of what you wanted; an angry upset and withdrawn husband. Please consider seeking professional help for this difficulty. Seeking professional help won’t mean that you are crazy. Rather, it will mean that you recognize that you don’t know how to solve the problem yourself and that you are mature enough to know when help is needed. Also, it isn’t clear that this is exclusively your problem. Marital problems are problems between partners and not necessarily the fault of any one person. Your husband may also be contributing to the problems you two are having. For this reason, you might see if your husband is willing to seek marital therapy with you. I hope this advice is helpful and that you’ll be able to make some positive change happen.
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