Archive for March 1st, 2012
Anger Questions 2
These are some of the questions that we hear at and some of the answers we give.
11. What does forgiveness mean and why can’t people do it when they are told they should?
It means a letting go of anger. People have mistaken attitudes about anger and about the people who have made them angry. They are the prisoners of these anger attitudes. They also have mistaken attitudes towards forgiveness, as if it were a weakness, or a sign of weakness to let someone off the hook. Such people cannot or will not let their anger go. Their anger will turn into mental and physical problems.
12. Why should I forgive someone who did something wrong?
Because it’s for your own physical and emotional health to do so. Keeping your anger inside will make you sick. You can choose to let go of your anger in the right way by forgiving. It’s not for the other person’s benefit. He doesn’t even have to know you did it. It’s no ones business but your own. If you choose to tell them, that is your privilege.
13. How can we make decisions if we have learned we have poor judgment?
We can replace childhood attitudes towards our judgment with a more appropriate adult attitude: “My judgment isn’t perfect. It doesn’t have to be. It is good enough. I can trust it. If it turns out to be the wrong choice, I can usually make another one. I can learn from my mistakes. I am worthwhile in spite of them.”
14. How do we replace old attitudes with more effective ones in the present?
By doing Homeworks in our own behalf. By having the courage to do what reality requires us to do. For example, we can choose to replace a good intention with an appropriate real intention.
15. Why do smart people make stupid mistakes?
Because they are not perfectly smart. They have attitudes towards their intelligence. Negative attitudes from the past can predispose them to make imperfect choices in the present. We call this temporary aberration stupiditude to distinguish it from the real thing.
16. How can we stop going from the extremes of stuffing our anger to erupting like a volcano?
By learning how to solve anger problems in the middle ground between these two immature extremes. We can choose to accept our anger as a legitimate human emotion that needs to be expressed appropriately in a civilized way. We can assume appropriate responsibility for finding out what those ways are.
17. Is it wrong to be angry if the other person didn’t mean what he said?
“Wrong” is the wrong word. You responded to the grievance he caused you at the time. This grievance was painful. It made you angry. Wrongness has nothing to do with it. You can always say, “I’m sorry.” So can the other person.
18. What does “I’m sorry” mean and why can’t people say it?
It means regret, which is the wish that things were other than they are. They can’t say I’m sorry because they have learned that sorry means a confession of guilt for which they might be punished. Their agenda is not to make amends; it is to prevent the pain of punishment. It is a mistaken attitude and it prevents them from solving the anger problems of everyday life.
19. What can a person do if he feels like he doesn’t belong anywhere he goes?
He can find out where and how he acquired the attitude that he is an unbelonger by examining his early recollections. He can identify his legitimate anger at the people who broke his heart. He can even write them an anger letter. By doing this anger homework in his own behalf, he will earn the right to belong to himself. He cannot belong to others until he does.
20. Is it wrong to be angry at unfairness? What’s wrong with wanting fairness?
Unfairness causes us a grievance. We feel victimized by it. We take it personally. We are angry at the pain it has caused us. We often define fairness to our own advantage. We sometimes perceive unfairness when no unfairness was intended, for instance, when we don’t get our own way. We are not objective about the unfairness of life. We don’t even know what ‘fair’ means and we don’t bother to find out.
21. What does fair mean?
Fair means without bias. No one is perfectly free of bias. That is perfection. We can cope with unfairness of everyday life by choosing not to take someone’s bias against us any more personally than we have to. We can consider the source of the unfairness: An imperfect human being. We can express our anger like a grownup or we can choose to let it go. We have the power of choice.
22. Why do parents make so many mistakes with the best of intentions?
When parents don’t know what to do, they solve their problem by making up something that sounds good. They mean well, but their good intentions are not based on the demands of the reality situation. Very often they make things worse.
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