go away come closer 3
Barb: “Is it my fault that she is so damaged?”
Therapist: “It is not a matter of guilt or fault or blame at all. It is no one’s fault. You were merely imperfect, and imperfect parents make mistakes. They can learn from them and stop making them over and over.”
Barb: “How can I convince her of that?”
Therapist: “That’s the wrong question. First, you must convince yourself that you were merely imperfect and not guilty. And that it’s acceptable in the real world to be imperfect. You must come to accept your own imperfection. You cannot convince anyone of anything until you do.”
Barb: “How can I do that?”
Therapist: “By forgiving yourself for not being more perfect than you are. It’s absurd. You and Sandra have one thing in common. You are both angry at you. You can’t do anything about Sandra’s anger until you relieve your own. You can write yourself an anger letter and drain some of that self-rage out of you. Then you can feel better prepared to cope effectively with your terribly imperfect mother.”
Barb: “How?”
Therapist: “By disengaging from her unhealthy terms and putting the relationship on healthy, self-respecting ones. You can validate Sandra’s anger; `You’re angry Sandra, and I don’t blame you for being angry. I’m so sorry about the things that happened between us.”
Barb: “But that is saying she is right.”
Therapist: “Which do you want, vindication of your rightness against her or your mother’s love?”
Barb: “I cannot make such a choice.”
Therapist: “But you already have! You have chosen to defend your rightness against your mother’s wrongness. Is there no middle ground between these extremes where you can relate like grown ups? When you hear Sandra saying, `Your such a screw up’ she is merely saying that you were imperfect.”
Barb: “That hurts me terribly.”
Therapist: “Can you learn to respect yourself as a worthwhile human being in spite of your faults and imperfections? If you can, it won’t hurt so much and you will be able to communicate more effectively and develop unconditional love.”
Barb: “Then it’s all right if I made mistakes?”
Therapist: “It is not a matter of `all right.’ It is merely regrettable that imperfect people make so many mistakes without realizing it, but it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t go to parenting school. And it isn’t her fault, either. You had no mandate to pound the “truth” into her head. That’s a good intention, and the `Go Away Closer’ game won’t end until you stop.”
Barb: “I feel so powerless when I listen to her.”
Therapist: “You are powerless to stop up her mouth, that’s true. But you have a new power now, the power of choice. You can choose to fight and lose, or to disengage and agree that she feels the way she feels. It’s up to you.”
A few weeks later, I met with Barb again:
Therapist: “How did it go with your daughter?”
Barb: “I couldn’t bring myself to tell her I was angry at her. Not even over the phone.”
Therapist: “You have learned your anger lessons very well in school.”
Barb: “Is that all right if I didn’t do what I was supposed to?”
Therapist: “Yes, I’m not angry at you for not doing that Homework. I know how hard it is to unlearn these years of negative training. It could take another two weeks. You are a worthwhile human being in the meantime. What Homework did you do instead? How did you solve the problem?”
Barb: “I wrote her a letter.”
Therapist: “Did you use the word ‘angry’ in it?”
Barb: “Yes.”
Therapist: “Then it’s an anger letter. That took courage, didn’t it?”
Barb: “Yes, but it was easier than the other way.”
Therapist: “That doesn’t detract from your accomplishment. We are working up to it. How did you feel afterward?”
Barb: “I felt better. I even saw that I was sorry for all the mistakes I made in raising her.”
Therapist: “You gave yourself some relief from the tension and stress of all this guilt. You felt in control. You had an independent identity of your own. You were not your mother’s yo-yo anymore.”
Barb: “That’s right. I was me for the first time since I can remember.”
Therapist: “You were not living on her terms, you were living on your terms. You weren’t Sandra’s daughter. You had an independent identity for a minute. It’s a start. You made a choice to write that letter for your benefit, not hers.”
Barb: “That’s true.”
Therapist: “You were not trying to prevent displeasing in the future, or feeling guilty about the past, you were living in the present.”
Barb: “Yes, but how does that help my relationship with Sandra?”
Therapist: “But helping your relationship with you first. This Homework gave you a feeling that you were a worthwhile human being in your own right, not just a character in Sandra’s Play.”
Barb: “It felt good.”
Therapist: “This good feeling is called self-respect. Sandra cannot relate to you as a self-respecting human if you do not respect yourself first.”
Barb: “That makes sense.”
Therapist: “What happened after that?”
Barb: “I mailed it to her. I was a little afraid of what she’d think, but not as much as before.”
Therapist: “You have more courage now. You took the risk. You did it anyway.”
Barb: “She called me Wednesday to tell me she got the letter. We talked for a while about other things. She didn’t make a big deal about it. I guess I was a little disappointed that she didn’t want to go into it more deeply. It was anti-climactic.”
Therapist: “These things don’t always work the way you think they will. How did you feel after you hung up?”
Barb: “I didn’t feel anything.”
Therapist: “You mean you didn’t feel anything bad. You weren’t angry, out of control, distraught, furious or any of the old feelings, were you?”
Barb: “No. I didn’t think about it that way, but you’re right.”
Therapist: “You felt calm, at peace with yourself and with your mother.”
Barb: “So the letter worked after all, didn’t it? But not in the way I expected.”
Therapist: “Your mother talked to you not as a Victim or a Dumping Ground, but as an equal member of the human race.”
Barb: “She hasn’t talked to me that way for years. I hope this keeps up.”
Therapist: “There may be ups and downs, but this was a very successful first step. She sees you as an independent person now with legitimate feelings of your own. She feels that you trusted her with your feelings. You told the truth. She can respect that even if she isn’t necessarily aware that she has changed. What happened to the Game of Go Away Closer?”
Barb: “It went away. I hope it never comes back.”
Therapist: “If it does, you will know what to do. You will disengage from the mischief. You will manage your anger on your terms. You will tell the truth about your feelings. You will replace negative cooperation with positive cooperation.”
