love
When Your Partner Gets Jealous
When your partner feels jealous, you may get triggered too. Their intense feelings may trigger a painful counter-reaction in you. Often the feeling or belief is, “She/he thinks I’m a bad person, a liar, a cheater.” Then YOU feel threatened. Your sense of self – of being a good, kind and loving person is threatened.
When we’re “under siege” – having an experience like the one above, we lose the ability to think clearly and empathize with our loved one. If your partner’s jealousy make you feel angry or hurt, your primary aim and focus will naturally be restoring your own feelings of worth and goodness.
You may argue, trying to convince him/her that he/she is wrong. Or you may withdraw, protecting yourself from the negative words and feelings. But these reactions don’t work. Your partner can’t be convinced, no matter what you say. And if you withdraw, he/she gets even more upset – in his/her fear of losing you, he/she has in fact “lost” you – even if its only for a few hours.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Understanding jealousy
When you or your partner feels an intense, negative emotion, you can bet that he or she is having a fight or flight response. This response happens in your brain stem – the part that is made for basic survival. When you feel threatened physically or emotionally, your brain stem sends surges of chemicals into your body to help you fight or flee.
When you feel jealous, you’re experiencing a threat to your primary attachment. The basic survival part of your brain feels that if you lose this person, something terrible will happen. It puts you on high alert to avoid this perceived danger. For many people with chronic jealousy, there is an old wound to a primary attachment. This may be an old relationship in which you were betrayed. Or it may go back to your earliest childhood.
If your parents were preoccupied, stressed or had difficulty knowing what you needed to feel safe and secure as a baby, you may have grown up feeling like you were on your own, craving close connection, but fearing that you could never really have it completely. If your parents were overburdened, they may have accidentally given you the impression that you were a burden or that you need for closeness was too much or that you were too sensitive.
When an old attachment wound gets triggered in the present – maybe your spouse or partner travels a lot, or forgot to call when they said they would – that’s when you begin noticing every little shift in your partner, checking every credit card statement, every cell phone log. It’s a terrible feeling – and even worse if you know, rationally, that your partner is not cheating and has no intention of leaving. Then you might also feel ashamed of being jealous.
Understanding jealousy is the first step to healing. In our next post, we’ll talk about what to do when your partner get’s jealous. In the meantime, we’d love to hear how jealousy has affected your relationships – especially if you found a way to overcome it!
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Vulnerable relationships: retreat or retaliate
Yesterday I sat with a couple who were so angry with each other and so hurt, they could barely speak. I know them well enough to know that they love each other deeply – so seeing them in this much pain was hard. Sitting with them, I felt my own heart tightening in my chest in response to the stuckness they each felt. When we are hurt, we naturally want to retreat or retaliate – it’s just a normal part of being human. But in our couple relationships, neither of these strategies leads to resolution. What we really need, is to soften, to find more understanding and compassion for ourselves and each other. But often, that’s the last thing we want to do.
I also know that they come from families where the adults had all the power and control. Their parents used anger and shame to intimidate them into “behaving.” When we grow up in families where there is anger – especially scary anger – and shame was used to control our behavior, we are more likely to dig in to the retreat/retaliate strategy. It’s what lets us feels safe. Revealing the hurt under the anger feels too vulnerable, weak or helpless. We feel like we are in a power struggle, and if we show softness, we will lose.
Yet, at the same time, digging in doesn’t feel good. It’s safer, yes. But it’s lonely. We don’t like feeling disconnected from our partner – our primary source of love, nurturing and care. When this happens we’re in a terrible bind. We can’t get the closeness we want, because it doesn’t feel safe. That’s where my clients were when they came to see me yesterday. Ouch.
So the goal of therapy, in my mind was to begin building little bridges between safety and closeness. I know that safety has to come first. So I started with the partner who seemed to be the least triggered/traumatized, in this case, the husband. We spent a long time just exploring the feelings and sensations he was noticing in his body, while his partner watched and listened.
He identified tension in his shoulders and neck, tightness in his jaw. These are the places where we naturally feel our anger. Our jaw muscles tense, at the ready to growl and bite. Our shoulders store energy in case we need to hit or punch. It’s our biology. I asked him to stay with the process of noticing. He became aware that his stomach was tight, usually a sign of anxiety/fear. He also felt a heaviness in his chest, a sign of sadness/hurt/longing.
As his awareness moved from the sensations of anger/protection to the more vulnerable sensations of fear and sadness, I checked in with his wife. “What are you noticing in your body, as you listen to him?” I asked. “All the same things,” she answered, describing similar sensations in her own body.
I knew this was a bridge, and I pointed it out to them. “Wow. So you guys have so much resonance with each other, even when you’re upset, you are feeling each other.” They agreed, making eye contact for the first time in the session (maybe the first time in days).
Each of their faces softened just a little. In their eyes was more of the hope and longing, and a little less of the stony coldness they had at the start of the session. I pointed that out too. “What are you seeing in his face now?” I asked.
“He looks a little sad, a little… less angry.”
“What is that like?” I asked, “to see him less angry?”
“It makes me less angry.”
I turned to him. “What is that like – to know that when you soften, she softens too?”
“It helps.”
And so we began to move into an upward spiral. As they expressed more of their vulnerable feelings, what they saw was that they didn’t “lose” as they would have in childhood. When one partner saw the sadness, pain and fear in the other, he or she was moved to compassion. At the end of the session, they were holding each other and passing the tissues back and forth.
“But we won’t be able to do this at home!” They both shared, near the end of our time.
“That’s okay. I said.” Some little part of you knows that you have this in you, even if it’s not accessible right away. You’re building muscle. No one expects you to get it on the first try, or even the tenth try. Be patient with yourselves. Know that in the heat of the moment, you won’t be thinking straight. But after a fight, when you’ve calmed down a little, you may feel an urge to say to each other, I was feeling really hurt (or misunderstood, or criticized…) when we were fighting, and I didn’t know how to tell you. It’s always okay to repair the rift later on. In time, you’ll get better at doing repair sooner and sooner.”
Couples therapy isn’t just a place to air grievances and get advice. It can also be a sandbox where you get to try new things, notice more about yourself and your partner, and develop new ways of thinking and being with each other. If you get locked into anger with your partner, and you don’t know how to get out, if fights fizzle out but don’t lead to resolution and more understanding, if each fight erodes more and more trust and love, then it may feel really good to try therapy – especially with a therapist who understands the biology of attachment and the fundamental foundation of safety in relationships.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )how to fight fair
It doesn’t matter how bright or well spoken you are, in the middle of an argument, your brain just doesn’t work that well. It’s how we’re built. Most couples don’t know how to argue, how to fight fair, how to express their frustration in a way that works – to get their needs met and feel relief and connection again.
Where we go wrong:
“You always… You never… You said… You should have… Why didn’t you…”
These all come across as accusations or criticism. They will automatically put your partner on the defensive, and instead of finding resolution, you’ll end up fighting about the last 10 things that pissed each of you off.
How to do it more effectively:
“I’m feeling really… (put an emotion here like sad, scared, frustrated, overwhelmed, stressed), and I need your help. I’d prefer (list something specific and do-able here like bring home a gallon of milk and a carton of eggs on your way home).”
Pitfalls:
DON’T fall into the trap of saying things like “I feel like you’re always… never… ” This is just a variation on the language that creates more problems. Similarly, DON’T follow up with, “and I need you to stop being so selfish… thoughtless… needy…” etc.
Practicing new ways of communicating is hard at first. These are old, ingrained patterns. There are usually underlying fears or old hurts that fuel chronic fights or cold silences. Don’t give up. Keep practicing new ways of communicating your needs in ways that are non-critical, non-shaming, non-accusing. It may take your partner a while to really hear you and come around. Don’t hesitate to get the help or support of a qualified therapist.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Fear of Commitment
It’s a common complaint, and not just among women. You have the most amazing time together. You make each other laugh. There’s passion – really great chemistry. But as soon as things turn serious, he/she acts all weird, goes to Vegas with friends and doesn’t call or return your calls. Or maybe he/she started talking commitment first – wondering what it would be like to move in together, offering you your own drawer or key or toothbrush-holder. But as you warmed up to the idea of getting serious, he/she backed off. Maybe this is a pattern you guys repeat together – hot and cold, up and down.
In my experience, when one person in a relationship has a fear of commitment, the other one does too – even if they’re not fully aware of the fear. It’s common to fear the thing we long for most. And in relationships, it’s not unusual for one person to play out the side that want’s closeness, while the other person plays out the side that’s afraid of it. Since you may have your own fears of commitment too, your partner’s distance keeps you safe too. Otherwise you would probably have ended the relationship and moved on.
Even if your partner doesn’t want to look at the deeper issues, you can. As you learn more about your internal conflict – wanting closeness, but not always feeling safe or comfortable having that closeness – you can begin to heal any past hurts that have made it hard to be vulnerable and open to someone. As those old hurts heal, you may find that your partner becomes more trusting too. Or you may discover that you are ready to let go of this relationship and be with someone who is able to make the commitment you long for.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 1 so far )If we go to therapy, will we end up divorced?
Not necessarily. But a lot of couples have that exact fear. If you both want to make things work, then you can. I’ve worked with couples who’d been fighting for years without resolution – but they still loved each other. They still had a lot going for them. I’ve worked with couples where there was infidelity, drug use, gambling, lying. And they worked it out.
Most relationship problems arise because when we get hurt by our partners, we become defensive and close off. Then, without even realizing it, the problems become about feeling alone and cut off from each other. Therapy is a place where you can get the support you need to move beneath your defenses into your true feelings. Most couples find that what’s under the anger is loneliness and longing for the closeness they used to have. Over time, couples learn to let go of their defenses so they can have the closeness they really want.
Yes, there are cases where couples get divorced. But in my experience, at least one person knew they were headed for divorce before they ever called me. They just needed therapy to have a neutral place to talk about leaving, and to know that someone would be there to support them/their spouse through the difficult process of separating. These couples would have gotten a divorce any way. And in some cases, therapy helps them discover that they can stay in the relationship and make it work.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Stop Having the Same Fight in Marriage
Almost every couple has one: that seemingly trivial fight that just keeps cropping up, day after day, month after month, making you feel as if you’re stuck in your very own version of Groundhog Day. Perhaps it’s about your husband’s leaving his cereal bowl by the sink rather than in the dishwasher, or your forgetting — oops! — to tell him that his mother called. The issues that trigger bickering can seem insignificant, but when fights keep on resurfacing, your otherwise happy marriage can become a petri dish of resentment and hurt feelings — the kind that leave you and your beloved sitting in different rooms watching the same TV show.
I know this not only because my husband and I face our own challenges, but because as a family mediator, I counsel couples who want to work out these dumb little fights that eat away at their quality of life. One client, Wendy,* 39, from Long Island, NY, was fried from exactly this kind of bickering. “Why is it always such a battle to get him to spend an hour helping our sixth grader with his math homework?” she asked. Their arguments about homework would invariably segue into the same dead-end battle: “You never help me with the kids.”
“That’s not true,” her husband, Steven, would counter. “I put them to bed a lot of the time.”
“Yeah?” she’d say. “Well, that’s only because I make you!”
Round and round they would go, adding new layers to the argument, each trying to win and prove the point “I’m right!”
Having the same fight over and over is, of course, pointless, but it’s where many couples get stuck. Once you’re deeply engaged in the battle of whose turn it was to take the clothes out of the dryer, it’s hard to step back. That’s where mediation comes in. It requires that a husband and wife each realize that the goal isn’t to beat the adversary into submission. It’s to make the fight go away.
Think about it: Typically, one person’s winning a fight means the other person loses, but in a marriage, the two people involved are on the same team. No matter who “wins,” everyone loses. When a standard bickering bout ends, one of you will have been cornered into saying, “Fine, enough already! You’re right” (though not necessarily believing it), but neither of you will have gained a deeper understanding of the other’s point of view.
Beyond that, the battle’s loser is quite likely to have some residual anger simmering, which will wind up igniting the next fight. And that’s hardly the way any of us want our couple time to unfold.
So winning a war of words in marriage has to mean something entirely different — namely, finding a solution to cool off the hot-button issue and resolving the fight so it simply vanishes. I’m not saying it’s easy to get past that urge to win. But I promise that trading that seething “See, I’m right!” sensation at the end of a spat for the halo of warmth that a happy, respectful marriage has is totally worth it. (Wendy and Steven, who no longer lock horns over their son’s homework, would agree.) So put on your mediator’s hat and follow these three guidelines:
Step 1: Take a Seat
At the start of your next tiff, you’ll probably feel the urge to wag your finger at your husband and remind him that you’ve told him a hundred — or even a thousand — times that what he just did ticks you off. But rather than pressing the point, literally keep your hands at your sides and say something like this: “Honey, can you please sit down with me now, because I want to talk to you about something?” Not only will this give you a few seconds to calm down and think before you start speaking, it will also let your partner know that the issue at hand is serious and needs to be resolved.
Put the plan into action: Margot, 42, of New York City, had for years been stymied about how to resolve her husband’s habit of partially opening the mail when he came home from work and then leaving it on the dining table, intending to deal with it at a later time. Since that later time never seemed to arrive, bills went unpaid, invitations went without RSVPs, and their life was a lot messier around the edges than Margot could tolerate. Usually, when Margot learned that the mail situation had led to, say, a late fee, she’d erupt and blame her husband, loudly enough for the neighbors to hear.
When Margot was learning the three-step mediation strategy, she said, “The first step — sitting down and collecting my thoughts — was the hardest because when I feel angry, I just start mouthing off. I’ve told him many, many times how much his procrastination with the mail bothers me, and yet he does it anyway. And that, in turn, makes me feel totally ignored and unimportant, so it seemed like lashing out at him was my only option.”
Margot moved past these blowups by recognizing that her husband’s behavior was simply an annoying habit, and as such, it could be changed. “My husband is a good person. He’s not the problem; it’s his mail-handling habit that’s the problem, and habits can be broken. By taking the time to sit down and catch my breath, I was able to convince myself of that fact, stay calm, and work at solving the problem.”
Step 2: Uncover the Subtext
Once you’re sitting down, no matter what the conflict is, fight that impulse to blame your husband and spell out in excruciating detail where he has gone wrong. While you’re at it, don’t indulge that desire to say, “How many times do I have to tell you this?” either. Instead, act like a detective. Your goal is to figure out what your partner was thinking. You may think you know, and you may be right — or you could be completely wrong. By not making assumptions, you leave room for uncovering his actual thoughts and feelings. Ask neutral questions like, “What happened?” “Why do you do that?” and “Is there a reason why you weren’t able to take care of it today?”
Speak with a calm, inquisitive tone, as if you have no idea what the answer is. Work hard (and it is hard) to keep the anger, frustration, and impatience out of your voice. In most sparring situations, each partner can speak very convincingly about his or her motives, and the “What on earth was he thinking?!” question winds up going away.
Put the plan into action: Rosie Behr, 53, of Baltimore, used this technique to tackle her ongoing argument with her husband about how he gives her directions when she’s driving. “We have a simple division of labor: When I’m at the wheel, he navigates,” Rosie explains, “and I want to know what the next direction is in advance. That way, I have plenty of time to switch lanes before making a turn. I also want him to give me just one direction at a time, or my brain gets overloaded. So I’ll ask my husband to tell me the next turn, and he’ll say, ‘I’ll tell you when we’re closer.’ To which I say, ‘But I need to know now!’ It seems like a simple enough request, but then he’ll respond, ‘Why don’t you just trust me?’ and I’ll yell, ‘Why don’t you just tell me?’ This argument drives me crazy.”
Though the couple had been fighting about directions for years, it wasn’t until they tried the mediation techniques that they actually understood each other’s behavior. By playing detective, Rosie discovered that when she asked her husband for directions well in advance of a turn, he thought she was questioning his judgment about where to go — and that really bothered him. He viewed the whole direction situation as a trust issue. “I was genuinely shocked when he told me that; I had no idea he felt that way,” admits Rosie. “From my perspective, all I was doing was asking for some information — and he was withholding it.” Once they really understood each other’s viewpoints, they were able to stop getting angry and start resolving their direction dilemma.
A closer look: Sometimes, admittedly, there will be cases in which your spouse’s motivation is exactly what you suspect it to be — and it’s completely infuriating. Consider the case of the couple in which the wife makes dinner and the husband is supposed to clean up the dishes but often doesn’t do so, saying, “Oh, I guess I got caught up watching TV” or “Sorry, I had a really rough day and was too tired.” Tempted as the wife may be to start shouting, “What do I need to do to get some help around here?” thereby escalating the situation to something approaching SmackDown, here’s what needs to happen instead: The husband’s explanation must be acknowledged and then used as leverage to work out a compromise. For instance, the wife could say, “I understand that you were too tired, but I didn’t know that when we finished dinner. I thought the table would get cleared tonight, but now I’m seeing the dirty dishes and am feeling upset. Can you understand that?”
This tactic sets the stage for the next step in the mediation process. And the point gets underscored that if you’re not going to do something you said you would, you must let your spouse know in advance.
Step 3: Offer Solutions
This final step is the one that most couples skip when they argue without mediation techniques, and that’s a key reason why they remain stuck on the bickering merry-go-round for years. Here’s the agenda: You must each come up with a few possible solutions. Try saying something like, “I think I understand your point of view a lot better now. Can we talk about how we can prevent this problem from cropping up again?” Then suggest a specific idea and ask your partner to offer up another suggestion. Getting your partner involved in the solution is a key step; research shows that people are more likely to follow through on a plan if they feel as if they participated in creating it.
Put the plan into action: Whenever Elizabeth, 34, of Dallas, and her mate argued about who would empty the dishwasher, they ended up having one of those pointless “scorecard” battles over who did the task more often. As is often the case with chore-centric fights, both of them would usually end up feeling as if they didn’t get any credit for what they did.
This time, however, Elizabeth was determined to end the argument once and for all with the three-step mediation strategy. During the final step, her husband suggested that they should take turns putting away the dishes, switching off nightly. Elizabeth suggested they swap roles every two days and post a check-off chart on the fridge. “Neither option struck me as a perfect solution,” she said, “but then my husband came up with a nice compromise–we would each be responsible for clearing the table and emptying the dishwasher for a full week, changing roles every Monday. That felt like a much less complicated plan, one we could easily live with. We’ve been following it for three months now and haven’t had a single fight over it, which has made married life a lot sweeter. And the bonus is, we feel that if a new ‘here it comes again’ argument crops up, we now know how to solve it.”
The last word: Recurring quarrels about apparently trivial matters can sometimes mean there are deeper issues swirling that are too big or scary to tackle head-on. The fight about dirty plates left on the table might really reflect, say, a power struggle in the marriage. Regardless of the real issue, the three-step mediation process gives you a technique to handle the conflict and start chipping away at the problem. If you try this technique in good faith and it doesn’t take the quarreling down a notch or two, it’s probably time to seek professional counseling.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )keys to a healthy marriage
When we talk about the state of a marriage, we tend to compare it to the human body. If things are going well for a marriage, we call it “healthy”. However, if it’s going through a rough phase, we think of it as “sick”.
To keep your marriage healthy for the long run, it’s essential to be aware of the telltale “vital signs”. This way, you’ll know if all is well or if your relationship needs some work.
But what are these indicators exactly? Here are some things to look out for:
Vital Sign #1: Dealing With Difficulty
What does this mean?
We all know that conflicts are part of married life. What a lot of couples forget is that the way they handle sticky issues greatly affects their relationship.
What Should I Look Out For?
In particular, there are a couple of key habits that can aggravate disagreements. First of all, assuming that most of your marital issues are caused by your partner’s shortcomings (i.e. “He only cares about himself”, “She’s too possessive”) leads to a habit of assigning blame and putting labels.
As the philosopher Kierkegaard once said, “Once you label me you negate me.”
Labeling a partner makes you ignore their positive qualities and limit who they are according to the label assigned to them. So if a partner is branded as a “selfish pig” or “control freak”, they’ll never be anything more than that.
What’s more, this mindset distracts couples from the reality that their marriage problems are a SHARED responsibility. Eventually, this perception will cause them to see each other in a negative light and feed a mutual bitterness.
On the other end of the spectrum, there’s also the habit of using the silent treatment on a partner during an argument. Instead of peppering the other person with critical remarks or blaming them, some people mistakenly think that they can keep things from escalating with their deafening silence.
The truth is quite the opposite – it makes the other person feel ignored and unimportant. Instead of diffusing the situation, not communicating at all could just fuel the anger even more.
Why Is This Vital To My Marriage?
These destructive approaches to handling conflicts don’t attack the core issues of a marriage. Because of these habits, a couple’s actual problems end up unresolved.
At the end of the day, the level of hostility remains the same – if not higher than before.
Vital Sign #2: Seeing Each Other Through Rose-Colored Glasses
What does this mean?
If a couple is fixated on each other’s faults (as explained in the first vital sign), a good way to deal with this is by creating a more positive atmosphere instead.
What Should I Look Out For?
If you feel like calling it quits every time you have an argument with your partner, chances are there aren’t
enough positive emotions in the marriage to fall back on.
So, you should consider if you and your spouse can do the following:
Can you easily point out what you like about your spouse?
Are you able to express your appreciation of these positive traits to each other?
John and Susan, a couple from California who have been married for more than 30 years, shares their thoughts on this. “We’ve never been good at avoiding arguments, but I think we’ve stayed together all this time because we’ve always focused on our endearing traits,” Susan says.
John adds, “Yeah, I mean we probably get on each other’s nerves just as much as everyone else. It’s just that she likes to point out what she likes about me in little ways – so I sort of like returning the favor.”
Why Is This Vital To My Marriage?
All couples have their share of fights and disagreements, so it’s only natural for negative feelings to accumulate over time. That’s why a marriage can stay healthy if the people involved can keep these feelings down to manageable levels and replace them with positive ones instead.
Vital Sign # 3: Staying In Touch
What does this mean?
When you first met your spouse, chances are you knew everything about each other. You probably spent hours and hours talking about your childhood dreams, favorite bands or pet peeves.
During the romantic phase of a relationship, people love learning every intimate detail about their partner. It’s all part of the excitement of discovering someone new.
After the “reality check” stage of marriage kicks in however, there’s a tendency for a lot of couples to become complacent when it comes to knowing each other. The things you know about your partner are likely to change over the years.
So the question is: have you kept up with these changes?
What Should I Look Out For?
First of all, think of all the things you would like your spouse to know about you. For example, do they know that you’re anxious at work because of an upcoming promotion that you’re aiming for? Does your partner know that your favorite place to relax is that beach resort you both discovered five years ago?
Now ask yourself if you’re aware of these similar details about your spouse. Do you know about the things that annoy, scare or excite your partner? If you’ve forgotten these things somewhere down the road, don’t fret – you can always ask your partner about it.
Not only would it make for a great conversation, it’s a great way to reconnect with your spouse.
Why Is This Vital To My Marriage?
The level of knowledge you have about each other’s individual lives is a good health indicator of your marriage. Being aware of the things that matter to your partner is a powerful way to stay emotionally connected – this is especially vital in times of crisis.
Having this intimate connection will keep you from drifting apart when things get tough. Think of it as a backup power supply when your relationship is running on empty. Being consistently updated with each other’s lives is something you can both count on when life’s unpredictability hits you.
All in all, having a strong marriage means being aware of the factors that make it healthy in the first place.
Keeping yourself informed of these things helps you zero in on the areas that need improvement. Above all, a proactive approach keeps your relationship as a fit as a horse for years to come.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )common marriage problems
For many couples, there are common marriage problems, which often begin to creep into the link over time. If you are feeling that your marriage isn’t what it ought to be, or what you thought it would be when you first walked down the aisle, you are not alone. Millions of couples grapple with relationship problems, sometimes feeling that the problems are distinctive to their relationship. This will cause feelings of embarrassment and / or loneliness, when it doesn’t want to.
Therefore, let’s take a look at three common marriage problems which many couples find themselves facing. All of these can start out seeming like a small problem. However, if they continue over a while and aren’t treat good, they’ll have a terribly negative impact on a marriage.
Solution Of Marriage Problems
1. Feeling like you’ve got “fallen out of love” against each other.
When you were first dating your spouse, and probably even when you stood in front of your family and friends and said your vows, you felt “madly in love” with each other. For most couples, that giddy feeling doesn’t last over the years. In fact, for several, once the reality of daily basis married life sinks in it starts to fade. Your lives become one of the routine, which is perfectly normal. The demands of your work or careers, children and mortgages will take up all of your time and energy. And if you are like some couples who having marriage problems, you essentially begin living like roommates and nothing additional. While that situation is fairly common, marriage problems like this will eventually lead to an affair or a divorce.
2. Taking each other for granted
Another one in all the most common wedding issues is that many couples start taking each other with no consideration. To some extent, it is human nature to take for granted that it is usually there. However, in marriage relationships, this may cause a slow, simmering resentment for one or both of you. Everyone longs to feel loved, cherished, and appreciated. After all, that was a big part of the explanation you got married in the first place. No one feels loved after they are taken without any consideration. When it reaches the point of devaluing every different and failing to treat the connection as sacred or special, it will be very damaging. Sadly, what often happens is that you simply don’t even understand just how serious it’s until the other person is gone.
3. Failure to really speak with each other.
Poor communication or the failure to essentially speak to every alternative is most likely one in every of the foremost common marriage problems many couples face. Learning to communicate well may be a talent several individuals lack. Others have the talent and might be nice communicators in their career. However, struggle with communicating with their spouse. This is particularly true if one or each of you grew up in an exceedingly home where poor communication was the norm. You speak superficially but avoid discussing issues or problems as they arise. Some individuals just realize it easier to avoid any conflict. Unfortunately, this doesn’t work and in time can take a toll on your relationship if the marriage problems can’t be solved.
If you and your spouse are struggling with anyone of these common marriage problems, there is hope. The primary step usually acknowledges the matter. The sooner you recognize the matter and take action though, the better!
Therefore, the important things you should know about common marriage problems are feeling like you’ve got “fallen out of love” against each other, taking each other for granted and failure to really speak with each other. By knowing these common marriage problems, you will be on your way toward a self-satisfaction and stop to prevent your marriage from any kind of problems.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )whаt tо expect іn premarital counseling
Looking information for what usually ask during premarital counseling questions? Here is exactly what you need to know. If уоu аrе trуіng tо mаkе а decision аbоut trуіng premarital counseling, уоu mау bе wondering whаt tо expect. Pеrhарѕ you’re excited аbоut working оn potential problems bеfоrе thеу bесоmе major problems іn уоur relationship. Or mауbе уоu оwn parents gоt divorced аnd уоu wаnt tо dо еvеrуthіng уоu саn tо prevent thіѕ frоm happening tо you. Pеrhарѕ premarital counseling іѕ required іn уоur state. Or mауbе уоu аrе јuѕt а savvy couple whо wаntѕ tо gо іntо thіѕ whоlе marriage thіng wіth уоur eyes open. Whаtеvеr thе reason, it’s rеаllу good thаt уоu аrе соnѕіdеrіng it. Althоugh I mау bе preaching tо thе choir here, it’s important tо knоw thаt research shows thаt аnу type оf premarital counseling helps minimize thе risk оf divorce.
Yоu mау аlѕо bе wondering whаt tо expect іn premarital counseling questions. Whаt kind оf questions wіll соmе up? Wіll thе experience bе anxiety-provoking? Embarrassing? Tоо intrusive? Well, thе good news іѕ thаt mоѕt premarital counseling focuses оn education аnd skill-building. Mоѕt counselors don’t rеаllу focus оn deep, dark secrets оr rеаllу wаnt tо gеt caught uр іn analyzing уоur personality. Mоѕt premarital counseling sessions аѕk questions related tо thе fоllоwіng broad topics:
Does Premarital Counseling Really Work?
1. Communication
Thе premarital counselor thаt уоu choose wіll аlmоѕt аlwауѕ wаnt tо knоw аbоut hоw уоu bоth communicate. Nоt оnlу wіll thе therapist аѕk уоu questions аbоut typical communication patterns, but thеу wіll wаnt tо knоw hоw уоu bоth communicate іn оthеr settings аѕ wеll (e.g. аt work, wіth уоu families, etc). Thе counselor wіll аlѕо assess hоw уоu bоth communicate іn thе session аnd wіll рrоbаblу mаkе recommendations fоr improving ways thаt уоu communicate. Aѕ уоu саn imagine, communication difficulties аrе ѕоmе оf thе mоѕt common issues thаt married couples face. So, hореfullу thе premarital counseling questions thаt thе therapist wіll аѕk аnd thе suggestions thаt thеу give wіll hеlр уоu improve thе wау уоu communicate wіth еасh other. Thеѕе skills wіll hореfullу hеlр уоu talk аbоut touchy subjects аnd аlѕо respect еасh other’s style оf communicating (if уоu hаvе differences іn thіѕ area).
2. Conflicts аnd Conflict Resolution
Yоu саn аlѕо expect tо bе asked аbоut questions related tо hоw уоu manage conflicts аѕ а couple. Whеn уоu hаvе conflicts, dоеѕ оnе person tend tо withdraw? Dоеѕ оnе person tend tо attack? Dоеѕ оnе person tend tо gеt super rational, whіlе thе оthеr gеtѕ emotional? Whаt аbоut making up… Hоw dоеѕ іt happen? Whеn dоеѕ іt uѕuаllу happen? Thеѕе аrе јuѕt ѕоmе оf thе premarital counseling questions and discussions thаt уоu аrе lіkеlу tо hаvе іn premarital counseling. So, hopefully, durіng thіѕ time уоu саn explore hоw уоu typically manage conflicts аnd learn nеw ways оf resolving (or nоt resolving!) fights.
3. Financial Values
Good premarital counseling wіll аlѕо delve іntо уоur financial goals аnd values, bоth individually аnd аѕ а couple. Thеrе аrе lots оf important questions tо explore hеrе including questions related tо thе financial history оf еасh member, financial goals, thе impact оf financial goals оn career decisions аnd family responsibilities, etc. Unfortunately, а lot оf premarital counseling glosses оvеr thіѕ issue оr doesn’t tackle іt аt all. Whісh іѕ rеаllу unfortunate bесаuѕе issues аbоut money аrе оnе оf thе top thrее reasons whу couples eventually divorce. Whаt а missed opportunity! Luckily, thеrе аrе books thаt уоu саn buy оr premarital apps thаt gо thrоugh important premarital counseling questions.
4. Cultural Values
Thе world rеаllу іѕ shrinking іn а lot оf ways. Wіth thе rise оf globalization аnd thе ease оf travel, mаnу people find thеmѕеlvеѕ attracted tо аnd marrying people wіth а dіffеrеnt cultural upbringing thаn thеіr own. Thіѕ іѕ еѕресіаllу relevant іn mу work wіth engaged couples – bесаuѕе аlthоugh I’m American, I live іn South Africa аnd work quіtе а bit wіth intercultural couples. Additionally, people wіth thе “same” cultural values саn hаvе fundamental differences іn оthеr important ways thаt wе оftеn don’t thіnk аbоut (e.g., class differences, regional differences).Thus, premarital counseling wоuld bе remiss іf іt didn’t аѕk questions related tо dіffеrеnt cultural values. Dіffеrеnt cultural values аrе оftеn nоt tоо big оf а deal whеn couples аrе dating, but thеу саn bесоmе huge issues аftеr marriage іf thе couple hаѕ nоt adequately explored thеm аnd соmе uр wіth ѕоmе preliminary compromises. Thе situation gеtѕ еvеn trickier whеn children enter thе picture.
5. Religious Values
Questions related tо religious values аrе аlѕо lіkеlу tо соmе uр durіng premarital counseling. Evеn іf thе couple shares thе ѕаmе faith – thеу саn hаvе major differences rеgаrdіng hоw thеу practice thеіr religious beliefs. And іf thе members оf thе couple hаvе dіffеrеnt religious beliefs, thеn а counselor wіll lіkеlу explore thіѕ wіth еvеn greater depth. Unfortunately, hаvіng dіffеrеnt religious beliefs іѕ а risk factor fоr divorcing lаtеr (Sorry! Don’t shoot thе messenger). Therefore, іf уоu hаvе а dіffеrеnt religion thаn уоur partner, thеn exploring important questions surrounding thіѕ difference іѕ crucial durіng premarital counseling.
6. Family Histories
A premarital counselor іѕ аlѕо lіkеlу tо аѕk important questions related tо уоur individual family histories. Depending оn thе counselor аnd thе circumstances related tо уоur relationship, dіffеrеnt counselors wіll approach thіѕ іn dіffеrеnt ways. Fоr example, ѕоmе premarital counselors hаvе аn orientation tоwаrd аѕkіng іn depth premarital counseling questions related tо уоur individual family history, whіlе оthеrѕ tend tо focus оn present day family relationships instead. Eіthеr way, it’s а good idea tо gо thrоugh questions related tо уоur families durіng premarital counseling.
7. Relationship History
Premarital counseling wіll аlѕо explore questions surrounding уоur relationship history tоgеthеr аnd individually. A counselor mау wаnt tо gеt аn іn depth picture оf whаt factors brought thе twо оf уоu tоgеthеr іn order tо explore thе strengths аѕ wеll аѕ роѕѕіblе challenges thаt уоu mау face аѕ а couple. Thе counselor mау аlѕо wаnt tо knоw аbоut important relationships thаt еіthеr оf уоu hаvе hаd іn thе раѕt аѕ well. However, mоѕt premarital counseling wіll nоt explore раѕt loves wіth tоо muсh depth (unless thеѕе relationships аrе affecting уоur current relationship).
So, hореfullу уоu hаvе а bеttеr sense оf whаt kinds оf premarital counseling questions tо expect іn premarital counseling. Good luck wіth уоur engagement – іt іѕ trulу а wonderful time іn а relationship!
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