coping with change
A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared; he sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no farther. Then the man decided to help the butterfly, so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.
Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly. What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were nature’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.
Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If nature allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. We also must learn the valuable lesson of letting others make their own way in life and let them make their own mistakes and try not to interfere with what we believe may be best for them.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Anger: Do I have a problem?
The tests on this page are designed to help you understand the connection between anger, resentment and impatience.
Anger, Resentment, Impatience, Jealousy & Aggression Tell You That:
- Something you value seems threatened.
- Your value as a person seems threatened.
- Your values are in conflict.
- You devalue those you value.
Many subtle and hidden forms of anger, resentment, and aggression as well as obvious ones, ruin health, love, and relationships.
Anger, resentment, and impatience:
- Increase risk of many deadly disorders, including heart disease, stroke, cancer, high blood pressure
- Increase risk of depression, anxiety, alcoholism, drug-addiction, and other compulsive behavior, such as workaholics and extra-marital affairs, are strongly associated with anger and resentment
- Reduce performance competence while raising performance expectations
- Increase error rates and misjudgments
- Make you a reactaholic – when other people “push your buttons,” you’re a powerless reactor
- Eventually ruin intimacy and sex life
- Create power struggles
- Cause behavior impulses to:
- Control/neutralize
- Warn-threaten-intimidate
- Inflict injury on feelings
- Inflict injury on the body
- Eliminate positive passion (conviction, meaning, intensity of purpose) through compulsion to avenge, punish, or withdrawal.
- If people would cooperate you would not have most of your problems___
- Losing temper easily ___
- Angry ___
- Annoyed ___
- Feeling rage ___
- Impatience ___
- Why can’t people do what they should? ___
- Restless ___
- Feeling hate ___
- Furious ___
- Hot-tempered___
- Trouble sleeping ___
- Feeling hostile __
- Infuriated ___
- Can’t relax ___
- Enraged ___
- Irritated by other people ___
- Feel like attacking people ___
- Shaking with anger ___
- Mad ___
You have an anger problem.
A chain of resentment precedes most anger problems, even the extreme ones that become violent
When you notice that someone is resentful or complaining, do you:
- Identify with the situations he or she describes? ____
- Identify with the people being complained about? ____
- Think about the way they should have handled these situations? ____
- Does the word, “compassion” sometimes irritate you? ____
- Taken advantage of? ____
- Manipulated? ____
- Unappreciated? ____
- Like whatever you do is not enough? ____
- Like all you get from loved ones are a few crumbs now and then? ____
- Like people rarely consider your feelings? ____
- Like nobody understands you? ____
- Like hardly anything works the way it should? ____
- That you give more than you get? ____
- That you work harder than others for the same reward? ____
- That people hold you to a higher standard? ____
- That you sometimes feel like nothing matters anyway? ____
- Why should I be the only one who bothers?” ____
- All I’ve done for him/her and look what…” ____
- That you can’t get over how unfair it is? ____
- That you’d like to get back at those jerks? ____
You have a resentment problem:
- Lose track of other people’s perspectives? ____
- Understand how they feel? ____
- Care how they feel? ____
- Think only about the way things should be handled? ____
- Understand how they feel? ____
- Feel disgusted by other people’s choices? ____
- Feel taken advantage of? ____
- Held back? ____
- Manipulated? ____
- Like hardly anything works the way it should? ____
- Like the world is full of jerks? ____
More than three checks?
You have an impatience problem:
Patience and Change
How do you handle change? Do you fear it, resist it, welcome it, or deny it? How you react towards change often depends on whether you initiate it or feel subject to its control. When change occurs abruptly, it may be a final wake up call to an already existing situation. One that has long been in need of an overhaul.
Regardless of whether you feel the victim of change or the initiator, the process of change happens slowly and subtly over time. I like to use the metaphor of a garden. When you plant a seed in the earth, it usually takes a period of time, sometimes weeks, before any visible evidence presents itself. This does not mean that growth is not occurring. Just because no visible signs are apparent does not indicate the absence of development. So it is with the process of change. As nature teaches us, you need to cultivate patience, especially when experiencing times of transition.
The need for patience can present a challenge to many of us who are affected by the instantaneous demands of contemporary society. Living in a time of faxes and fast foods does not encourage this virtue. Yet patience is an important requisite for allowing change to take an effective course. I remember a client of mine who had difficulty being patient with her changes. She had been in counseling for three weeks and thought there may be something wrong since she did not see any changes. I recounted the metaphor of the garden to her, after which she admitted to digging up a plant just for that very reason. It was taking too long and she wanted to make sure it was growing. So she dug it up only to find that it was sprouting in the earth.
One reason for people’s impatience comes from the anxiety of facing the unknown. Change demands risk as well as a certain amount of faith and courage. The familiar may be painful and uncomfortable but at least we know what to expect. Also people tend to harbor unrealistic expectations of the process. They may feel overwhelmed by the task ahead of them. It is, therefore, important to realize that change consists of a series of small steps. The more you acknowledge each step the more you will feel encouraged to venture forth. Unfortunately, people tend to disregard the small, simple accomplishments in life. They do not understand the significance of each action taken.
The following story demonstrates how one of my clients eased the process of change by taking small steps that supported some of her needs.
Karen had been remarried seven months when she enlisted my services. She and her husband were trying to merge two families under one roof, a challenging task for anyone. Already she and her husband were experiencing relationship problems. Furthermore, her husband didn’t get along with his stepson and she had difficulty communicating with her stepdaughters. One thing that particularly bothered Karen was that she didn’t feel comfortable in her own home. She felt like an outsider. Eventually she learned to take small risks. She cleared away an area and created a space for herself. She played her favorite music. She let herself relax one afternoon instead of jumping up to see if she could tend to her husband when he came home. She began to feel more relaxed and at ease. The response from the other family members was positive. Suddenly she began to feel more at home.
As you can see from Karen’s example, small steps can accomplish significant results. If you would like to create a positive change in your life, begin by asking yourself the following. “What small step can I take right now that would help to enhance my life” Then do it. Each time you take a step see it as an accomplishment.
Acknowledge each accomplishment as a success. Then build on your successes by looking back on what you have already achieved. Realize that if you did it then, you can do it now. This will not only help you ease the process of change but will encourage you to move forward with confidence as well.
