An Affair with your Spouse
If you have been married for any length of time, it is likely that there have been times when passion and adventure waned. Routine and survival becomes the focus. It is also very likely that throughout the course of a marriage, the passion, adventure, and even the sex becomes routine and mechanical.
It is during these times that one or both spouses may begin to wonder what else they are missing. The eyes begin to wander. Conversation with a coworker or friend of the opposite sex may get too personal or slightly cross the line into the inappropriate. If this lingering around the line continues, an affair is likely to occur. While this affair may not be sexual or even physical, emotional affairs can still be devastating to a marriage.
Since an affair is often not really about the “other person” or even the sex but more about the adventure and the risk, what if you had an affair with your spouse? Add some risk and adventure to your relationship. Spice things up. Role play a bit. If there are two willing participants, go for it.
Feel free to take some liberty with this process in order to adapt it to your situation, and this should go without saying, but this is intended to be used with your spouse, not someone else.
The best way to start this affair is online. Send an email to your lover from a private email account. These can be created through yahoo or hotmail or many other services. Encourage your lover to create their own account as well, to be used exclusively for this relationship. Address the email to a pseudonym for your spouse. The initial email should be inviting and suggestive, but don’t move too quickly.
Part of the adventure and excitement is the wooing and enticing of your lover.
After the conversations have enticed and aroused the adventurous side of you and your spouse, an inconspicuous meeting for drinks or lunch would be arranged. This should occur during the day, either during lunch or when you can slip away from your job to meet your adventurer over coffee. The important thing is that you will meet with your lover and then return to your day. It is also important to keep a low profile with these meetings. Even though you are doing nothing wrong, in the spirit of the adventure, try to avoid being caught.
As the tryst continues to progress, be sure to keep the emails and the casual meetings coming. This will help in blending the affair into the marriage later.
As for the rest of the process, use your imagination and creativity. Here are a few ideas in order to keep adventure part of the process.
1.Never meet your lover for “affair sex” at your home. Part of the adventure is finding other places to hook up.
2.Agree to not discuss this part of the relationship at home.
3.Try to set up a regular schedule of “dates” with your lover.
4.Do what you can to meet your lover out of town once in a while.
5.Do not discuss your affair with anyone. At least until you and your spouse have incorporated the affair relationship into the marriage.
Enjoy the adventure. However, keep in mind that you will need to blend this part of your relationship back into your marriage.
Here’s how.
First, when the affair has gone on for a while, have a discussion with your lover about their experience during this adventure and share yours. These feelings and thoughts can be incorporated into the marriage going forward. Have this discussion over dinner during a night out marking the end of the affair and the beginning of a newly designed marriage.
Second, this process most likely awakened some passion and adventure within yourself and your spouse. Find ways to keep this growing in you. Feel free to express these passions and adventurous thoughts in the marriage. This will allow for longer lasting passion.
And third, remember that you and your spouse are also lovers. Not just parents, employees/employers, housekeepers, landscapers, chauffeurs, roommates, cooks, and friends.
Marriage is the best place to be yourself, and also the riskiest. Go on, take the risk. You both may enjoy it!
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Passion in Marriage with Kids in the house
The simple fact is that for many while there are children in the home, the marriage relationship often seems to be thrown to the background. The schedule revolves around feedings, changing, bedtime, bath time, homework, and on it goes. It is inevitable that just when you think the kids are asleep, and you make a move with your spouse, the baby starts crying or your other child ends up standing at the foot of the bed. Passion wanes. Time for adventure disappears. It is, however, possible to capture time with your spouse before passion fades. Here are a few ideas:
1. Establish a schedule. This is not only great for the kids and their development; it also helps create time for each other. This could be done as simply as scheduling a weekly dinner or lunch date. A coffee break together. Or a regular sexual encounter together (scheduling this does not lessen the passion and heat despite the lack of spontaneity; you can be spontaneous during the encounter). By having something scheduled, you create room for anticipation.
2. Utilize babysitters or family members. There are many very capable teenagers out there interested in earning a little bit of money while you take your spouse out for the evening. The beauty of this option is the kids get someone new to play and interact with, while you get a break together. Be sure to plan out the evening away in order to ensure you don’t return home until after the kids are in bed asleep. That way, if the date has gone well, there will be the possibility of being invited in for an uninterrupted “nightcap.” To create a greater flow towards the end of the date, look for a babysitter that either drives or can get to and from your home easily. An even better option is to utilize family members that live nearby. It is amazing to me the number of couples I have met that have not had their kids stay over night with family members or friends. Not only do you and your spouse benefit from this time, your kids do as well. They experience an expanded range of people who love and care for them. This can set a foundation for greater self-confidence and growth as they develop. It also begins to create a village mindset in the raising of your children. The best thing about the family option is the likelihood that the kids would be out of the house the whole night.
3. Secret signals or code words. It is often difficult to have conversations that may lead to deeper more intimate connections when you are interrupted every five minutes by one kid tattling on the other or needing something from you for their homework or wardrobe. This can be overcome by creating another language or codes to use with each other. This language or code should be based on whatever you would be saying to each other if given the opportunity. If this type of language is not part of your normal dialogue, then it would need to be created all together. It could be as simple as lighting a candle that is centrally located in the home as a signal one of the parties is interested in an encounter. Whether the encounter is sexual or emotional is up to you. Or it could be as complex as learning a second language. How great of a motivation would it be if you were trying to woo your spouse in another language? And if your kids begin to understand the language, they would only discover more about the love and desire you have for your spouse. There are far worse things they probably already know about you.
4. Be a lover to your kid’s other parent. As your kids grow older, there is nothing wrong with informing them of your plans to be alone with your spouse. You don’t have to give all the details, but claim the time you want to spend with your spouse and let the kids know they are not invited to join or interrupt. When your spouse and the marriage are a priority, the kids benefit. In fact, research is now showing that when the marriage is the focus rather than the kids, it is better for the family. I have always believed that the best thing you can do for your kids is to love your spouse. Let them also appropriately see you love them as well. Hold hands, talk, hug, kiss, sit by each other, and cuddle in front of your kids. They may be jealous that they aren’t getting the attention, but in time, they’ll be glad you paved the way for their relationships.
Kids in the home present some obstacles to passion in marriage, but they aren’t the only reason passion wanes. By overcoming the hurdles of kids, you are faced with what else may be going on in the marriage. The kids can provide a buffer for a stale marriage. If that’s the case, more work will need to be done individually and relationally to address the other concerns. Marriage is work. But the things in life that require work are more valuable and more worth it.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Why seek marital/couples therapy
Marital/couples therapy is a form of therapy which involves working with both partners of a couple to improve their relationship and/or help them make important decisions about the relationship. Couples enter into therapy for many reasons, often at a time of transition or stress in the relationship or in their lives. Couples may come to counseling at a time of crisis, for example, following an extramarital affair, or when one or both is unhappy in the relationship or may want to leave. However, some couples use therapy before getting married or early in the marriage in order to learn skills to resolve conflicts and differences, or to recognize potential vulnerabilities in the relationship, with the goal of preventing problems later on and protecting the relationship.
Other issues which may lead couples to seek help through therapy include: anger/resentment/lack of communication, trust issues, fighting, upcoming marriage/wedding/commitment, fertility issues, mid-life crisis affecting one or both partners, illness: physical or psychological in one or both partners (e.g., depression, history of sexual/physical abuse), moving, parenting/family difficulties, in-law problems, religious/cultural/value differences, sexual problems.
In couples therapy both partners meet together with the therapist, who initially tries to get an understanding of each of them, their views and feelings about the relationship, and what they each want from the relationship and the therapy. The therapist also uses her own observations of the way the couple interacts in the session to evaluate what happens between them and determine how to best help them.. The therapist understands that relationships and people are complex. Problems that develop within relationships involve an interplay of the personalities and life circumstances of each individual to varying degrees, as well as what they bring out in each other when they mix together.
To improve a relationship, the therapist may work on helping each of the individuals as needed, usually with the other one present, in addition to working on the relationship and changing problematic patterns which have developed between them. Individual and couples issues affect one another. For example, when one partner is depressed and despairing, the mood of the relationship is affected. Similarly, when the relationship is in trouble, one or both partners may become depressed.
Common tasks of marital/couples therapy are as follows: to develop better communication, resolve trust issues, manage anger/differences/conflict, determine whether the relationship is salvageable, learn fair fighting skills, enhance intimacy/sex, heal after an affair, change destructive patterns, improve understanding of one another and oneself (including understanding gender differences that affect behavior and communication, and learning how to translate the other’s “language”), increase empathy for one another, and repair/strengthen the relationship by healing old wounds. Entering into couples therapy is an act of courage and offers the possibility of freeing oneself and the relationship from tedious and/or destructive patterns of relating, as well as hope of greater intimacy, happiness, and/or peace/resolution.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Psychotherapy for Men
There are aspects of men’s experiences that are particular to being male. In working with men, it is important for a counselor to understand the differences in men’s experiences, what men need, and how to best help them achieve their goals. For men, psychotherapy can promote success in careers and relationships by teaching better communication, interpersonal, and leadership skills. Therapy can improve men’s relationships in general, at home and at work, by fostering greater self-awareness, self-confidence, and empowerment.. Therapy can also help men with issues of mid-life crisis, affairs, anger management, fear of entrapment in relationships, sex addiction, performance anxiety, social anxiety, and difficulties in relationships with women, e.g., understanding what women want from them.
Men often experience common dilemmas in their relationships with women. In relationships, men frequently overestimate their ability to sacrifice themselves for their partner, often trying very hard to please their women and accommodate them to make them happy and to keep the peace. These efforts may seem to go unrecognized or unappreciated, and they may experience confusing complaints from their partner in spite of their efforts. This pattern typically leads to a build-up of resentment and hurt, which the man may not even be aware of, except through his partner’s persistent accusations, of which he may feel innocent. These feelings may take a disguised form, for example, forgetting, being late or unreliable, not following through on his word, tuning out, working late, becoming impotent or losing sexual desire, having an affair. Men can be helped with this issue in a number of ways. Through psychotherapy men can learn to better recognize and identify what they need and feel, which may be foreign to them since boys usually grow up in this society trained to suppress or be ashamed of most feelings (other than anger). Once they become more self-aware, they can learn ways to be more direct, but non-combative, in expressing their opinions, even opposing ones. As men learn to express themselves more directly with words, versus actions, passive-aggressive expression of anger or resentment through actions, is no longer necessary. This change often leads men to feel stronger and more effective. Also, therapy can teach men how to decipher the language of women, so that they can more easily understand why they get upset and how to more easily satisfy them without sacrificing themselves.
Another issue particular to men, and often misunderstood by women, is the importance of sex. For a man, sex is often at the core of how he feels loved, and loved as a man. Though women may need to feel close or loved in order to have sex, men experience the reverse: they need to have sex in order to feel loved. This difference can create conflict and misunderstanding in relationships especially during times of conflict when their partners do not want sex. At these times whatever conflict already exists now becomes compounded by the man feeling more rejected, unloved, and angry, even suspect that his partner is using sex (or the withholding of it) as a weapon. When these patterns develop, men often retreat in hurt and anger or escape the relationship by acting out. Therapy can help by increasing self-awareness, developing more effective ways to communicate, and providing an experience of being understood.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )How to Rebuild Relationship After an Affair
The odds of at least one partner having an affair during the life of a marriage is anywhere between 20-40%; however, many affairs occur toward the end of an already failing marriage. That means that happier couples are less likely to fall prey to an extra-marital affair. Here’s some relationship advice for the aftermath of an affair:
Keep in mind that the “I didn’t go out looking for an affair” excuse may well be true. Unless a partner is a philanderer, affairs are often slow-growing and unplanned. Usually they happen to people who are going through a sluggish time in their marriage, who feel lonely or who are experiencing stresses and strains they don’t easily discuss with their spouses.
The kids don’t need to know everything. If the couple wants to save the marriage, it’s better that the children don’t know all the details of what went wrong. It can be confusing for younger kids and disheartening for older ones to know that mom or dad had an affair. The kids probably know already that mom and dad are having relationship problems. They’ll feel better once they believe that their parents are working things out without knowing the specifics of what happened. If the children do learn of the affair, they may take sides and add to the amount of tension in the household. It’s then important for the parents to let them know that the problems are being handled.
It is important for the unfaithful spouse to examine why the affair occurred and to ask serious relationship questions. Dissatisfaction with one’s marriage or unhappiness about one’s age or place in life common factors.
Addressing areas in one’s life that aren’t working well can help defend against an affair happening again. But the spouse who was cheated on may demand to know “Why?” over and over. That is because no answer to why can ever be good enough. At some point, an affair must be accepted and no longer explored.
Understand the stages to overcoming an affair. The months following the revelation of an affair are “roller coaster” months. Getting along one day can be followed by harshness and coldness on another. You may push away the guilty partner when he shows you affection, and be angry when he doesn’t show it. These ups and downs are exhausting and confusing but are not forever. They are usually followed by a stage of flatness— fighting is less, emotional outbursts are fewer and farther between, but passion and zest are absent. This is finally followed by a stage of peace and a rekindling of feelings of love accompanied by less resentment.
The guilty party must understand that trust will take a long time to rebuild. It’s realistic that arriving home an hour late from work may raise relationship questions. “Where were you? Why didn’t you call?” The guilty party is advised to accept these moments rather than get offended that there is mistrust. This may be a time when the person who had the affair is on a “tight leash.” He or she will feel controlled and not like it, but it can be helpful in the initial weeks or months for the injured partner to regain a sense of influence over the relationship. In the long run, there must be no leash, if trust is to return.
Schedule discussions. Random discussions about the affair—usually demanded by the injured party—are risky. They are often long and drawn out and tend to ruin the rest of the day for both parties. It makes the guilty party less willing to want to talk in the future. A better idea is to schedule discussions—daily or weekly—and have them be time-limited (no more than one hour). This allows the injured party to vent and ask relationship questions, and allows the other party to relax more during non-scheduled times.
No more lies. In most cases, it is not so much the sexual aspect of an affair that destroys a marriage but the deceit that went along with it. A partner needs to regain trust. Often, the guilty party will hold back certain facts to avoid more arguments and to avoid hurting their partner anymore than they already have. But if those hidden facts come out later, a spouse can be devastated and believing there must still be more that is hidden. Once an affair is revealed, it is best to put all the facts on the table, however painful.
The guilty party should raise the topic of the affair from time to time. Most often, the injured party thinks about the affair way more than the guilty one. This is why it’s very important for the guilty one to ask the injured party how he/she is doing. By initiating the discussion, the injured party will feel cared about and will not resent having to always be the one to bring up the subject.
If resentment lingers, consider couples therapy so you can have help working through questions about the relationship.
Tell the kids when real progress has been made. No need to get specific, but when real headway has been made in the marriage, tell the children. Let them know you are happier and that the marriage is on solid ground. It can ease their minds.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Overcoming Jealousy
If jealousy isn’t addressed with love, understanding and restoration of positive feelings, it will return over and over again. You already know from experience that jealousy can’t be fixed with arguments or avoidance.
•To heal jealousy, you both need to know that it may have deep roots in a very painful past experience of being abandoned, rejected to made to feel less-than or not-good-enough.
•Being ashamed of feeling jealous gets in the way of healing. So identify and let go of shame.
•If the jealous partner could calm themselves down, they would. They need help to do so. If your partner is jealous, make a commitment to helping them feel safe with you. This may mean spending special time together daily. It may mean sharing phone records openly. It may mean reassuring them using affection, tenderness and finding the right words – words that really make them feel safe and loved.
If it’s hard to heal jealousy on your own, it may be time to get outside help. Really understanding the roots of jealousy, overcoming shame, shifting negative beliefs, and changing defensive reactions is a big task. But it is a do-able task, and one that can make your relationship strong, safe, secure and deeply loving.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )When Your Partner Gets Jealous
When your partner feels jealous, you may get triggered too. Their intense feelings may trigger a painful counter-reaction in you. Often the feeling or belief is, “She/he thinks I’m a bad person, a liar, a cheater.” Then YOU feel threatened. Your sense of self – of being a good, kind and loving person is threatened.
When we’re “under siege” – having an experience like the one above, we lose the ability to think clearly and empathize with our loved one. If your partner’s jealousy make you feel angry or hurt, your primary aim and focus will naturally be restoring your own feelings of worth and goodness.
You may argue, trying to convince him/her that he/she is wrong. Or you may withdraw, protecting yourself from the negative words and feelings. But these reactions don’t work. Your partner can’t be convinced, no matter what you say. And if you withdraw, he/she gets even more upset – in his/her fear of losing you, he/she has in fact “lost” you – even if its only for a few hours.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Understanding jealousy
When you or your partner feels an intense, negative emotion, you can bet that he or she is having a fight or flight response. This response happens in your brain stem – the part that is made for basic survival. When you feel threatened physically or emotionally, your brain stem sends surges of chemicals into your body to help you fight or flee.
When you feel jealous, you’re experiencing a threat to your primary attachment. The basic survival part of your brain feels that if you lose this person, something terrible will happen. It puts you on high alert to avoid this perceived danger. For many people with chronic jealousy, there is an old wound to a primary attachment. This may be an old relationship in which you were betrayed. Or it may go back to your earliest childhood.
If your parents were preoccupied, stressed or had difficulty knowing what you needed to feel safe and secure as a baby, you may have grown up feeling like you were on your own, craving close connection, but fearing that you could never really have it completely. If your parents were overburdened, they may have accidentally given you the impression that you were a burden or that you need for closeness was too much or that you were too sensitive.
When an old attachment wound gets triggered in the present – maybe your spouse or partner travels a lot, or forgot to call when they said they would – that’s when you begin noticing every little shift in your partner, checking every credit card statement, every cell phone log. It’s a terrible feeling – and even worse if you know, rationally, that your partner is not cheating and has no intention of leaving. Then you might also feel ashamed of being jealous.
Understanding jealousy is the first step to healing. In our next post, we’ll talk about what to do when your partner get’s jealous. In the meantime, we’d love to hear how jealousy has affected your relationships – especially if you found a way to overcome it!
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )whаt tо expect іn premarital counseling
Looking information for what usually ask during premarital counseling questions? Here is exactly what you need to know. If уоu аrе trуіng tо mаkе а decision аbоut trуіng premarital counseling, уоu mау bе wondering whаt tо expect. Pеrhарѕ you’re excited аbоut working оn potential problems bеfоrе thеу bесоmе major problems іn уоur relationship. Or mауbе уоu оwn parents gоt divorced аnd уоu wаnt tо dо еvеrуthіng уоu саn tо prevent thіѕ frоm happening tо you. Pеrhарѕ premarital counseling іѕ required іn уоur state. Or mауbе уоu аrе јuѕt а savvy couple whо wаntѕ tо gо іntо thіѕ whоlе marriage thіng wіth уоur eyes open. Whаtеvеr thе reason, it’s rеаllу good thаt уоu аrе соnѕіdеrіng it. Althоugh I mау bе preaching tо thе choir here, it’s important tо knоw thаt research shows thаt аnу type оf premarital counseling helps minimize thе risk оf divorce.
Yоu mау аlѕо bе wondering whаt tо expect іn premarital counseling questions. Whаt kind оf questions wіll соmе up? Wіll thе experience bе anxiety-provoking? Embarrassing? Tоо intrusive? Well, thе good news іѕ thаt mоѕt premarital counseling focuses оn education аnd skill-building. Mоѕt counselors don’t rеаllу focus оn deep, dark secrets оr rеаllу wаnt tо gеt caught uр іn analyzing уоur personality. Mоѕt premarital counseling sessions аѕk questions related tо thе fоllоwіng broad topics:
Does Premarital Counseling Really Work?
1. Communication
Thе premarital counselor thаt уоu choose wіll аlmоѕt аlwауѕ wаnt tо knоw аbоut hоw уоu bоth communicate. Nоt оnlу wіll thе therapist аѕk уоu questions аbоut typical communication patterns, but thеу wіll wаnt tо knоw hоw уоu bоth communicate іn оthеr settings аѕ wеll (e.g. аt work, wіth уоu families, etc). Thе counselor wіll аlѕо assess hоw уоu bоth communicate іn thе session аnd wіll рrоbаblу mаkе recommendations fоr improving ways thаt уоu communicate. Aѕ уоu саn imagine, communication difficulties аrе ѕоmе оf thе mоѕt common issues thаt married couples face. So, hореfullу thе premarital counseling questions thаt thе therapist wіll аѕk аnd thе suggestions thаt thеу give wіll hеlр уоu improve thе wау уоu communicate wіth еасh other. Thеѕе skills wіll hореfullу hеlр уоu talk аbоut touchy subjects аnd аlѕо respect еасh other’s style оf communicating (if уоu hаvе differences іn thіѕ area).
2. Conflicts аnd Conflict Resolution
Yоu саn аlѕо expect tо bе asked аbоut questions related tо hоw уоu manage conflicts аѕ а couple. Whеn уоu hаvе conflicts, dоеѕ оnе person tend tо withdraw? Dоеѕ оnе person tend tо attack? Dоеѕ оnе person tend tо gеt super rational, whіlе thе оthеr gеtѕ emotional? Whаt аbоut making up… Hоw dоеѕ іt happen? Whеn dоеѕ іt uѕuаllу happen? Thеѕе аrе јuѕt ѕоmе оf thе premarital counseling questions and discussions thаt уоu аrе lіkеlу tо hаvе іn premarital counseling. So, hopefully, durіng thіѕ time уоu саn explore hоw уоu typically manage conflicts аnd learn nеw ways оf resolving (or nоt resolving!) fights.
3. Financial Values
Good premarital counseling wіll аlѕо delve іntо уоur financial goals аnd values, bоth individually аnd аѕ а couple. Thеrе аrе lots оf important questions tо explore hеrе including questions related tо thе financial history оf еасh member, financial goals, thе impact оf financial goals оn career decisions аnd family responsibilities, etc. Unfortunately, а lot оf premarital counseling glosses оvеr thіѕ issue оr doesn’t tackle іt аt all. Whісh іѕ rеаllу unfortunate bесаuѕе issues аbоut money аrе оnе оf thе top thrее reasons whу couples eventually divorce. Whаt а missed opportunity! Luckily, thеrе аrе books thаt уоu саn buy оr premarital apps thаt gо thrоugh important premarital counseling questions.
4. Cultural Values
Thе world rеаllу іѕ shrinking іn а lot оf ways. Wіth thе rise оf globalization аnd thе ease оf travel, mаnу people find thеmѕеlvеѕ attracted tо аnd marrying people wіth а dіffеrеnt cultural upbringing thаn thеіr own. Thіѕ іѕ еѕресіаllу relevant іn mу work wіth engaged couples – bесаuѕе аlthоugh I’m American, I live іn South Africa аnd work quіtе а bit wіth intercultural couples. Additionally, people wіth thе “same” cultural values саn hаvе fundamental differences іn оthеr important ways thаt wе оftеn don’t thіnk аbоut (e.g., class differences, regional differences).Thus, premarital counseling wоuld bе remiss іf іt didn’t аѕk questions related tо dіffеrеnt cultural values. Dіffеrеnt cultural values аrе оftеn nоt tоо big оf а deal whеn couples аrе dating, but thеу саn bесоmе huge issues аftеr marriage іf thе couple hаѕ nоt adequately explored thеm аnd соmе uр wіth ѕоmе preliminary compromises. Thе situation gеtѕ еvеn trickier whеn children enter thе picture.
5. Religious Values
Questions related tо religious values аrе аlѕо lіkеlу tо соmе uр durіng premarital counseling. Evеn іf thе couple shares thе ѕаmе faith – thеу саn hаvе major differences rеgаrdіng hоw thеу practice thеіr religious beliefs. And іf thе members оf thе couple hаvе dіffеrеnt religious beliefs, thеn а counselor wіll lіkеlу explore thіѕ wіth еvеn greater depth. Unfortunately, hаvіng dіffеrеnt religious beliefs іѕ а risk factor fоr divorcing lаtеr (Sorry! Don’t shoot thе messenger). Therefore, іf уоu hаvе а dіffеrеnt religion thаn уоur partner, thеn exploring important questions surrounding thіѕ difference іѕ crucial durіng premarital counseling.
6. Family Histories
A premarital counselor іѕ аlѕо lіkеlу tо аѕk important questions related tо уоur individual family histories. Depending оn thе counselor аnd thе circumstances related tо уоur relationship, dіffеrеnt counselors wіll approach thіѕ іn dіffеrеnt ways. Fоr example, ѕоmе premarital counselors hаvе аn orientation tоwаrd аѕkіng іn depth premarital counseling questions related tо уоur individual family history, whіlе оthеrѕ tend tо focus оn present day family relationships instead. Eіthеr way, it’s а good idea tо gо thrоugh questions related tо уоur families durіng premarital counseling.
7. Relationship History
Premarital counseling wіll аlѕо explore questions surrounding уоur relationship history tоgеthеr аnd individually. A counselor mау wаnt tо gеt аn іn depth picture оf whаt factors brought thе twо оf уоu tоgеthеr іn order tо explore thе strengths аѕ wеll аѕ роѕѕіblе challenges thаt уоu mау face аѕ а couple. Thе counselor mау аlѕо wаnt tо knоw аbоut important relationships thаt еіthеr оf уоu hаvе hаd іn thе раѕt аѕ well. However, mоѕt premarital counseling wіll nоt explore раѕt loves wіth tоо muсh depth (unless thеѕе relationships аrе affecting уоur current relationship).
So, hореfullу уоu hаvе а bеttеr sense оf whаt kinds оf premarital counseling questions tо expect іn premarital counseling. Good luck wіth уоur engagement – іt іѕ trulу а wonderful time іn а relationship!
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )5 Signs of Abusive Relationships
More than one-third of women in America experience some form of relationship abuse during their lives. You might reject the idea that you’re in an abusive relationship because your partner never hits you. That’s far from the truth. According to Stanford University, most physically abusive relationships start out with no violence at all. Abusive partners work to gain power and control, which may or may not involve physical violence. What’s more, all types of unhealthy relationships can turn violent with little to no warning. Knowing what to look for in the beginning may help you get out in time to save your own life.
1. Control: Like all forms of abuse, control can start out small and build over time so that you hardly notice it. Control can mean determining who you can see, where you can go, what you can wear and even how you think. Control isn’t just about permission. It can also be about fear. If you find yourself doing things to avoid fights or hiding parts of your life that might set off your partner, you’re in a controlling relationship. Control is dangerous and effects you mentally and emotionally.
2. Jealousy: Jealousy is one of the most confusing unhealthy relationship warning signs to interpret. Because you’re human, seeing your partner get jealous can be flattering and make you feel wanted. The occasional twinge of jealousy even happens in healthy relationships. When your partner gets jealous on a regular basis or his jealousy leads to anger or controlling behaviors, it’s a warning sign that you may be headed for danger. No matter how it might make you feel, jealousy does not equal love. It stems from insecurity and a desire to control you.
3. Isolation: Your abusive partner wants to control you, and he might do that by trying to keep you to himself. Often this process happens slowly so that you don’t realize you’ve lost contact with most of your friends and family members. If your partner has rules about who you are allowed to see or asks you to stop hanging out with your friends and family, it’s likely an isolation technique. In extreme cases, abusers prefer women to stay home at all times instead of going to work or school. Ask yourself how your partner feels about the other relationships in your life.
4. Anger: Anger is one of the most dangerous unhealthy relationship warning signs. There’s a fine line between losing his temper and punching the wall and losing his temper and punching you. Anger often accompanies violence, but it can also serve as a springboard for name calling, jealously, control, intimidation and other abusive behaviors. If you’re nervous or afraid of setting off your partner’s anger, you may be in an unhealthy relationship.
5. Unhappiness: If you’re not sure if your partner manipulates you, tries to control you or has inappropriate anger, you can gauge the health of your relationship by determining if you’re happy. Are you free to lead you own life, independent of the relationship? Do you have your own identity, friends, hobbies and interests? Do you feel loved and supported more often that mistreated or belittled? If you answer “no” to these questions or feel unhappy for any reason, trust your gut and move on.
If you need help leaving an abusive relationship, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for assistance at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).
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